Hello all.
Thought I'd post a little introduction, or more technically, a re-introduction, as a few of the older members here will probably know/remember me!
I seem to have become very lost in life in my twenties, but training at the gym seems to be the one thing that "grounds" me and keeps me stable.
I've had so many aborted attempts at a "career" that I've completely lost touch with what an earth to do with myself, as it were. More seriously, I've always struggled with depression since a teenager and it seems to have had a debilitating and self-destructive effect on my life - in particular a crisis of self-confidence that has meant I've utterly underacheived in life relative to my potential, or consequently lacked the necessary belief to make things happen. Only for about 5 years in my late teens/early twenties was I free from this curse. It returned after my relationship fell apart after 6 years, and I've been permanently single ever since, which is a hard thing to bear. It's the classic catch 22: confidence breeds success, but success breeds confidence.
For example, I became a qualified personal trainer & sports massage therapist at great personal expense... then never make use of it, let my registration expire, and then for the following six years struggle to pay the loan off whilst earning a pittance in mundane retail job (I'm now in the final six months of the loan).
I'm sad that during the dark times when almost overwhelmed with negativity I ended up losing friends and people online who I'd developed an affinity with. Looking back with a fresh perspective, I see that most of the fault lay in my court, as it were.
Anyway, to attempt to start to curtail this overly long ramble, which is probably very tedious(!), from a point of ground zero I've been putting in a real effort to reinvent myself. I've been putting in a huge effort to try to stay positive and believe that I can retake control of my life. I keep feeling I'm close to a "breakthrough" moment but I'm not quite there yet. I remember how hard I used to train, not for any particular purpose but for my own benefit, and it also occurred to me that the points in my life when things were really positive always occurred at precisely at the points when I would be training extremely hard on an almost daily basis. I guess you could say it was a stabilising factor!
I don't really have anyone to depend on or pick me up, so it all has to come from myself and solely from myself. I will have to defeat my personal demons alone to be rid of them.
The rather simple conclusion I've drawn is that I don't need to train for any particular purpose or find any rationale other than just purely the overall benefit of training in itself. As stupid as it might perhaps sound, I'm a much "better" person when I train hard. I'm far less downbeat!
Since moving to Newcastle I've really missed not having anyone to train with, as of yet, since it always added an extra dimension and intensity to training, as well as having a good laugh. The sessions with Alex were ace - sadly I was forced to move from Woking due to financial reasons just when things felt like they were starting to turn around again after my breakup.
There are a couple of prospects for training partners at my gym up here as I've been going to the same gym for over 3 years now, so I think it will change soon.
On the plus side, I've kept things up the last few years, and have made significant "technical" improvements on my lifts, without necessarily making huge strength/weight gains. My squats are better than ever, and although my shoulders have improved, it is my legs that have seen the best improvements. Mostly I haven't been eating "big" so have consequently just been more maintenance than anything else.
Back into things in a serious way again, and already starting to notice things moving forward physically again.
So hello again, old and new friends, and lets see if I can't finish 2010 on a much higher note. I'm not under any illusions that things will be straightforward or magically change, but I do feel that if I can just keep things going, things will slowly start to change for me. I think it all revolves around finding and developing that core of unshakeable self-confidence: people who have that, make things happen for themselves. Everything follows from that.