Time for a new thread of jokes. Just got sent this one by email so here we go to kick off...



A man and a woman were sitting beside each other In the first-class section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more
than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

man gets up to find wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan
"what are you doing" he asks
wife says " i am doing what you asked me to do when you got back from the pub totally shitfaced"

puzzled- the man walks away thinking i dont remember asking her to cook my sock

So I've got a new girlfriend.

She invited me round to her place for dinner the other night.

We were in the kitchen , just about to start making dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.

Apparently fingering her disabled daughter was the wrong move......................

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Chinese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Tiger’s White Mistress

(sing to the tune of White Christmas)


I’m sleeping with a white mistress
Don’t like the darker colored ho’s
When the putts are missin’
I’ll need some kissin’
Just like.... the super stars you know.

I’m sleeping with a white mistress
Seems like a new one every week.
May your days be safer than mine
And may all your concubines be fine!

The list of women that slept with Tiger Woods keeps getting longer by the day and so far 9 women have come forward. Tiger affectionatly calls them the front 9 holes.

1.Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?



2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?



3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?



4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and

inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the

preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the

logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.



6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be

offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the

felling licence.

He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety

legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.

He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he

does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore

considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.

His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government

agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100

because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his

wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is

arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and

fined a further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it

on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a BBQ of

squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish

and asbestos sheeting.

On release, the logger is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped

rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is

arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced

£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government

contractor.



Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be

arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20

profit by hard work, gives up, signs onto the dole and lives off the

state for the rest of his life?



7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan

to buy a new lorry, as his bank has spent all his money and their money on

a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in

Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a

few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who

made the biggest losses.



The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.

However, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions

regulations and he is forced to scrap it.



Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it

back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send

their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and

their relatives.

If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at

the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to

the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.

The logger protests, is accused of being a bigot and a racist and, as his

name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500

registration fees as a gang master.



The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses

are not cheap. The politicians feel they are missing out and claim the

difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.



8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 80 ج ن الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Superb Det

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

Deathbed Question

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Is your computer male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

cultural differences. I DO like this one.

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere ...

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Apparently there's a new anti-depressant out for Lesbians....


It's called Trycoxagain

Royal Mail have just issued a new stamp with a picture of a fanny on it..............Sadly it has to be withdrawn as 75% of men don't know how to lick it properly!

taffy, rab , and paddy are chatting........
taffy says"women are so bloody stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she cant even drive!"
Rab said "thats nothing, my wife's just gone on a low carb diet, and she aint even fat!"
paddy turns to them both and says "thats f-all. My wife's just taken 30 condoms to benidorm and she doesnt even have a c*ck!"

A police officer is driving down a quiet road when he sees a pregnant Chav girl with a coat hanger up her pussy.

Police officer says ''I'm arresting you on suspicion of performing an illegal abortion''

The Chav girl replies ''Nah mate, I'm just piercin' its ears, init."

.....

I opened the door to a knock recently, and saw two well-dressed young men standing there.

"Have you heard the good news about Jesus?", one of them asked.

"No"

"He can supply you with gas and electricity at a dual-fuel discount"

.....

Bloke walks into a brothel and says "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The Madam replies £37.50

He replies "WOW, what do I get for that?"

She says "A Liverpool FC shirt!"

Some offensive ones.... Sorry if they cross the line, I thought they'd be ok here.

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

.................................................................

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

.................................................................

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50". He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".

.................................................................

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.

.................................................................

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

.................................................................

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

.................................................................

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. '
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it....'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I ' m not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'

Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded 'Yes', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning, and if she still felt bad she could always jump overboard.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

''I have an arrangement with one of the sailors', she explained. 'I get food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is', the captain said. 'This is the Birkenhead Ferry.'

julesm wrote:man gets up to find wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan
"what are you doing" he asks
wife says " i am doing what you asked me to do when you got back from the pub totally shitfaced"

puzzled- the man walks away thinking i dont remember asking her to cook my sock

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'


'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'


The nun says, 'That's OK......















My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.