Bored, bored, bored. So lets have joke thread. I'll start:

^^ that one still kills me

LMAO

sad thing is, thats the best front lat spread your likely to see from your man there.

lol awesome stuff Spit

That was brilliant Spit. Best ones are the Batman doesnt like chocolate and Crab people they scuttle among us

Alex absolutely killed this thread.

Better?

lmao

Alex wrote:Better?

That is disturbing. Hehe.

Damn, you've got a shot of me before I went out cottaging!!!!

hahaha

That the gear that does it for the missus instantly simon? I can certainly see why

Alex wrote:Better?

Simon with blonde messy hair like that looks disturbingly like that Borris Johnston plonker

lol the RC pic killed me... Is he on this forum??

roadz wrote:lol the RC pic killed me... Is he on this forum??

LOL. Ripped Cavey isnt on here.

lol amazing thread. 'Note to self: fire alfred'

Hangover Ratings

*1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

** 2 star hangover No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

*** 3 star hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

**** 4 star hangover You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5 star hangover You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe...very gently.

****** 6 star hangover You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you know, you're going to chuck. That Kebab you ate earlier has done you no favours. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

I've had 6* far too many times in my life :/

including one xmas party where i wore a tie (it was a posh do), i got in through the door and found the laminates coldness rather calming, so i fell asleep just inside the door.
I woke my wife by being sick and drunkenly crying 'i cant get my tie off' before promptly falling back to sleep in my sick!

My wife clearly loves me haha

And another one....

i got emailed this by a male friend of mine.....what d'yer think guys? (Bit dubious about no 19, considering what kind of forum this is)

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
3. After wrecking your boss' car.
4. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
5. When she is using her teeth

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics.
Ever.

This thread is fuking quality, can't beleive I only just spotted it. I've got one for you all but you'll have to edit it... Actulally its that funny it wont need it


My little Gnome

Max wrote:This thread is fuking quality, can't beleive I only just spotted it. I've got one for you all but you'll have to edit it... Actulally its that funny it wont need it


My little Gnome

Awww so cute. Don't you just wanna skeet all over that face?

A face only a mother could love!